Smiling

Forgive and Forget, its good for your health

2008-03-25T23:28:03+01:00

Forgive and forget
Is that true, forgiveness is often looked upon as a weakness, we can forget but can we truly forgive?
I have tried it often enough and it always comes back to ‘kick me in the teeth’ because you may be able to forgive but what of the other party/parties involved?
Forgetting for me is a better option, an act of forgiveness forces you to acknowledge a painful experience you would rather not remember. And in the case of trauma and abuse, surely unless the other party/parties involved are sorry for what they have done, then how can you forgive?
Maybe it is just another way of saying let go, yet how can we forget something that has caused us pain because by forgetting our past completely only means we may be prone to repeat it.
They say ‘you can’t run away from a problem’, but surely that depends on how big the problem really is?
In relationships we say ‘no baggage’ but it’s impossible to get rid of baggage because we all have it.
‘You can choose your friends but not your family,’ hmmm, that’s a tough one, well maybe you can do both, after all many families only meet at weddings, funerals and christenings.
So do I have baggage? Of course I do, I wouldn’t be normal without it. I had a partner who thought the only way of controlling me was to knock me around, and then another who viewed my child as baggage, personally I look on having a child as the best thing that ever happened to me. And then there was the one who was psychologically abusive so I have probably got issues too. I certainly have an opinion and am not afraid to say so. Of course, I can ‘always beg to differ’ and have no need to go around changing everyone else’s views to suit my own.
‘Forgiveness,’ well I have never been in a situation, certainly with regard to relationships, which really allowed me to forgive, it has always been a ‘Mexican stand-off’ and as I have never met the people concerned again because they are part of the ‘blame culture’ and ‘live in denial’, there would be little point.
‘Sorry’ is a word that doesn’t come easily to people’s lips, so forgetting is probably the kindest way.
Time and space are the greatest healers and as time goes by, things don’t mean so much anymore. Life as we know it is so short, so erase those memories, start afresh and move on………………………………… Janet Stead, Monday, 07 January 2008
http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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Art and Compulsion

2008-03-25T23:26:46+01:00

Art and Compulsion, article by Janet Stead

I recently attended a discussion on the subject of Art and Compulsion. Several speakers were there including, a Psychiatrist and several Artists.

Art is a very personal thing, for me it has been a way of expressing unspoken word, about something I found difficult to verbalise. A sanctuary or refuge for certain points in my life, where I have felt driven to either written about an experience or paint something that expressed the way I felt. Strangely, it has also made me feel vulnerable, although the compulsion has never diminished. As a young person, I remember the horror on my mother’s face when I painted a portrait of my grandmother, who had been hospitalised suffering with Dementia. I had no idea of the concerns it raised within my immediate family. My uncle, also an artist, was particularly concerned about an oil painting I did in the 1970’s of a young child being blown apart by a bomb and it took him a number of years before, he asked to see it again. Interestingly, all those years later, his view had changed and he commended me for being able to put so much emotion into a painting. That was quite an accolade by someone I respected as a landscape artist. But my views were based on the way I see art, I remember the endless hours spent walking around art galleries and whilst those who accompanied me became bored, I just became inspired, struck in awe and wonderment of those who had created such a beautiful and rich history. Never could a history book replace the living colours, I saw in those works.
One such example, are the war artists who recorded great battles, detailing the pain, death and destruction of those involved. It was the artist’s brush that recorded scenes of great wealth or poverty, and through this we can see for ourselves the types of lives people had at those times. They were the first visual reporters and as a visionary person, I marvelled at the detail of their work that beautifully and painstakingly went into producing such masterpieces. Throughout the ages art has changed shape, colour, depth and technique. There is Pop art, impressionism, abstract and I wonder what Holbein, Turner, George Stubbs or Van Gogh, Renoir, Monet, William Orpen or Stanley Spencer to name but a few, would make of the Tate. Is it that we have forgotten art was at one time the only medium to record events both politically and socially?

Sir William Orpen RA (1878-1931) was already a leading society portrait artist when he was appointed by the Dept of Information to be employed as an official war artist in 1917.
Sir Stanley Spencer RA (1891-1959) in the last year at Slade School exhibited ‘John Donne Arriving in Heaven’ in Roger Fry’s second Post Impressionist exhibition. So at the beginning of World War II, he was an established artist and was commissioned to record ship building on the Clyde in March 1940.
Hans Holbein (1498-1543) painted a portrait of Thomas Moore; such was his attention for detail that he used hundreds of tiny brush strokes, creating an almost photographic effect.

When I went along to the discussion I was curious to see what being compelled to paint really meant but came away feeling I needed further education if I was going to offer any form of art class to further help society. I had always wanted to explore the idea of art therapy by offering fun classes for people to come along and enjoy themselves by putting what they felt onto paper. By the time I got home, I felt heavy headed, and bogged down, by something I looked upon as an outlet for emotional expression. Not fortunate enough to follow a career in art, because it wasn’t encouraged in my family or even looked upon as any meaningful profession, I did however, enjoy the release of thoughts on paper and have always doodled or sketched something of interest.

What concerned me most, was that as art to me is a visual expression of thought, I couldn’t help feeling a little awkward about where the discussion was headed. But interestingly enough it evoked other thoughts I had never considered. It was mentioned that Bruce Miller, MD in association with the Department of Neurology at the University of California, San Francisco looked at human brain function, particularly emotion, perception, and behaviour. Based on the study of individuals with dementia and autism, where certain areas of the brain had stopped functioning, it was noted that other areas are thought to have taken over, releasing previously dormant cognitive abilities. Some individuals who had never created art before are making wonderful artwork in the setting of their illness. There are even reports of people creating music as well. www.memory.ucsf.edu

It was also mentioned that us ‘arty’ lot had a high risk of suicide, hmmm, well there have been moments in my life where I have considered………… but I always thought, it was just a phase, it takes a lot of courage to commit suicide. So does having an artistic talent make one more sensitive, more aware perhaps of one’s surroundings and therefore more prone to be overwhelmed by reality and hence driven to produce work in order to make a statement which could lead to depression and possible thoughts of suicide?

There are many reasons why individuals commit suicide and they come from all walks of life. Personally, I think it has been my lack of creativity at those times that have made me consider this option and was caused by the negativity of those around me, as I said earlier, art for me is an emotional outlet where I can create something others cannot see.

It has to be said that one of my favourite artists is Vincent Van Gogh, art for him was a personal destiny and he converted all this aspiration and anguish into his art. In September 1888, he painted ‘The Night Café’for his landlord to pay the rent and wrote this famous line “I have tried to express the terrible passions of humanity by red and green.” His bold use of colour adds to the emotional expression of his art, it is thought that his suicide, in part at least, was due to guilt for his brother Theo’s support. ‘Portrait of the Artist’ that he painted of himself in 1890, is for some physicians evidence that the painting was done in a psychotic state, having been painted a few months before his death.

I was once asked if I dreamt in black and white or colour, ‘colour’ was my reply, ‘doesn’t everybody’? Well apparently not, although it would be difficult for me to imagine life without colour. I would like to think art is something we can all enjoy whatever standard we want to produce, after all art is in the eyes of the beholder. And those gifted artists, which we generally recognise for their talent and sheer beauty of their work which makes me feel like weeping when I see it, because I know I will never reach such magnificence. If there are any mental problems associated with artistic talent, then it is that they see things how they really are, which makes them stand out from the norm. Geniuses, who are touched by the hand of God…………………..Janet. http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2008-03-25T23:25:05+01:00

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Janet Stead.... Monday, 07 January 2008, having attended a course, I thought I would share what I learnt.

This is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Falling apart is normal, not abnormal.

Victims often shy away from professionals immediately after a stressful event. They may fail to recognise the limits of their own resources and that problems have become entrenched and may engage in other potentially damaging coping strategies. Also their ability to seek help may be reduced by their severe distress.

Early intervention within days after the event, if possible even if it is just to establish contact with the victim.

Psychological help needs to accompany practical help and advocacy (income, recovery of possessions, contact with family and employers, legal aid, housing etc.)
Information for victim (about loved ones, covictims) and between mental health services, emergency service and military and police needs to be available.

Sympathetic listening is often a primary component of therapy and an emphasis on the patient being a normal person being exposed to an abnormal event with understandable normal responses, may reassure the patient.

Initial denial and numbing and later mood swings, irritability and anger as well as sadness are normal.
Nature heals through allowing these feelings to come out. This will not lead to loss of control of the mind but stopping these feelings may lead to nervous and physical problems. Crying gives relief.

Natural reactions and behaviours
Numbness -your mind may allow the misfortune to be felt only slowly. At first you may feel numb. The event may seem unreal, like a dream, something that has not really happened. People often see this wrongly either as ‘being strong’ or ‘uncaring’

Activity – To be active, to help and give to others may give some relief. However, over-activity is detrimental if you overtire yourself of divert attention from the help you need for yourself.

Support – It is a relief to receive other people’s physical and emotional support. Do not reject it. Sharing with others who have had similar experiences feels good. Barriers can break down and closer relationships develop.

Privacy – In order to deal with feelings, you will find it necessary at times to be alone or just with family and close friends.

Going away – You may feel like going away to try to forget it all. Trips away can he helpful but are unlikely to allow you to forget everything. It may be necessary to confront (to feel and work through) the emotions the trauma has caused before you can put it behind you.

Some do’s and don’ts

Don’t bottle up feelings.
Do express your emotions. Children should be allowed to share grief if they have suffered a loss

Don’t avoid talking about what happened
Do take every opportunity to review the experience within yourself and with others.

Don’t let your embarrassment stop you giving others the chance to talk.
Do allow yourself to be part of a group of people who care.

Don’t expect the memories to go away quickly – the feelings may stay with you for a long time to come.
Do take time out to sleep, rest, think and be with your close family and friends

Do drive more carefully

Do be more careful around the home and with machinery

Accidents are more common after severe stresses

Do be careful of using alcohol or other self medication : these can easily get out of your control.

You may find that returning to your normal self takes some time and that you have periods when thoughts or feelings related to the trauma come back. There may be some aspects of your experience you will never forget.

Traumatic reactions are not new, Samuel Pepys wrote about the Great Fire of London in 1666 and the terror he saw. He later dreamt of fire and falling houses and six months later was still unable to sleep and wrote about the affect on others, some attempting suicide.

We react to trauma because it shatters our basic beliefs of life, that we live in a fairly safe and secure environment and trauma occurs suddenly without warning, so it gives us no time to adapt.

A self help guide is available from the Mental Health NHS Trust.
Victim Support line: 0845 3030900
Supportline@victimsupport.org.uk

Cruse Breavement line – help line for bereaved people and those caring for bereaved people
Tel: 0870 1671677
Disability Tel: 01302 310123
Domestic Violence – Refuge – 24 hour crisis line providing practical advice and emotional support for women experiencing domestic violence Tel : 0870 5995443

http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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Writing a Book

2008-03-25T23:23:40+01:00

Article :Writing a book

We all have a book inside us waiting to come out, the question is when and where and whether we wish to embark on such a mammoth task.

Not easily daunted by adversity, I decided to give it a go. Friends have been pushing towards this goal for many years, even hinting that my life would make an ‘interesting read’. But one remark, ‘Just write you life in five chapters’ seemed achievable enough, even for someone like me. The five chapters should just be headlines of your life, and although I struggled with that for a while because I was someone who looked at stories as having a beginning, middle and an end, eventually, I produced one A4 sheet and presented it to this friend. Hmmm she said, ‘it would seem you have a very ordinary life’. “Yes, I have”, was my reply “the usual, childhood, education, marriage, having a baby and current situation.” She laughed, “now go away and expand on those chapters.”
I suppose curiosity got to me at this point and I went away wondering whether writing was for me. I started the task, looked at it, walked away, made endless amounts of tea, procrastinated, day dreamed of better times, and didn’t really know where it was going. If someone had asked me if I would ever write a book the answer would have been categorically no, you see only important people write books, people who have achieved amazing things in their life and as for me…………..
Well, I am a nobody who grew up in the suburbs of South London, so what possibly could I have to say. However, one winter evening, when there was nothing on TV and I had come home, feeling miserable after a difficult day at work; I turned on my laptop, and slowly began to expand those chapters, my laptop had become my conscience.
Before long, it was as if I was possessed, and a torrent of words flooded onto the screen, which flowed into pages, and then chapters. In the wee hours, I fell exhausted on the bed but strangely amazed that I had anything of any value to say. But say, I did at the following day I continued with my task. For me it became a cathartic exercise, parts of which I sobbed through uncontrollably but as the tears rolled down my face, I continued clattering at the keyboard. In many ways I couldn’t get things out quick enough, secretarial college had paid dividends with an ability to touch-type, making my exercise the more frustrating as I homed-in and focused at getting as much out as possible. One hundred and eighty-four pages later a book had emerged. So what was I to do with this manuscript? My first thoughts were to burn it, but having eaten all my energy, I put it somewhere safe instead and it was another two years before, I decided to publish.
And that’s another story……………………………………….
Janet Stead, Author of Just Another Day by Lucy Day ISBN: 0-9548710-0-6 and Beyond Reproach by Jenny Simpson ISBN: 0-9548710-1-4. Available on http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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Diagnosis

2008-03-25T23:20:57+01:00

Women coming out of abusive relationships have been wrongly diagnosed with things like Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Paranoia, delusional, Co-dependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder amongst other things. Generally their moods swing backwards and forwards from depression to anxiety, making them look like they are suffering from Bi-Polar. Similarly they have feelings of wanting vengeance, uncontrolled anger, self-harm, thoughts of suicide which can be aligned to Borderline Personality disorder.

Having gone through a terrifying experience where you didn’t know what was going to happen or whether you would survive and are still fearful of the perpetrator who has scrambled your brain, it is no wonder you are exhibiting signs of paranoia real or unreal. Plus he has possibly been stalking you in an attempt to accuse you of paranoia, so you begin to think things are happening but you can’t prove it, so other people look on you as delusional. Of course, the perpetrator has tried to convince you that you brought all the psychological abuse that he has been inflicting upon yourself and are in fact the abuser. It is enough to give anyone a headache

This is a reaction to prisoner of war syndrome, Stockholm syndrome, Coercion. Your mind was played with you were held against your will in a pathological relationship that affected your spiritual wellbeing and your emotional and physical state was in danger. So all these things are quite normal, unfortunately some of these symptoms may overlap and makes counselling difficult.

Lets look at each one:
Bi-Polar

Millions of people have bipolar disorder; it used to be called manic depression. With bipolar disorder, life can be like an emotional roller coaster. One day your mood is low and you feel sad. Then your mood gets really high and you feel great. Then the sadness comes back.

One day you may feel so depressed that you can't get out of bed. Work may seem impossible.
On another day you may feel great and full of endless energy. You may feel like you’re getting a lot done. But other people might think that what you are doing is dangerous and out of control.

http://www.bipolar.com/what_is_bipolar/what_is_bipolar.html

Borderline Personality Disorder
 Self-harm (for example, cutting yourself) or repeated attempts or expressions of the desire to commit suicide. This behaviour can only be counted as one of the criteria for diagnosis; it can't be counted again as demonstrating any of the other symptoms.
 Frantic efforts to avoid being alone, due to an intense fear of being abandoned. Others may not see this fear as justified, but you may go to great lengths to avoid being alone. For example, you may say that you will harm someone if they leave.
 A pattern of unstable and intense relationships. Feelings often alternating between idolising the other person and then thinking they are really awful.
 A very uncertain, shaky self-image or sense of self. You may feel good whilst you feel loved by someone you think is wonderful. If you later see them as bad, your own sense of self could be affected. You may also have doubts about your sexual identity.
 Two or more areas of your life where your behaviour could cause you harm and be seen as impulsive. Examples would be: spending money extravagantly and having huge debts, having unprotected sex, abusing drugs or alcohol, driving without due care, or binge eating. (See Mind's booklet Understanding eating distress.) You may do these things because you're trying to deal with awful feelings of pain or emptiness.
 You may have moods that are very difficult to come out of. For example, you may go through long periods (usually lasting a few hours) of extreme irritability, restlessness, unhappiness or anxiety.
 Terrible feelings of emptiness.
 Anger that's inappropriate, intense or difficult to control. You may lose your temper a great deal, experience constant anger or be involved in physical fights. You may feel particularly angry when you think you're being criticised. Anger is often a very difficult feeling for people to acknowledge and deal with, but may cause particular problems in the life of someone diagnosed with BPD. (See How to deal with anger.)
 Periods of paranoia or feeling unreal when under stress. This might be accompanied by an almost complete lack of physical sensation. At difficult times, you may experience yourself as having more than one personality or feel you are in a trance-like state.
 As a result of confusion about your personal identity and a terror of being left alone, you may find yourself clinging to very damaging relationships. Many people who meet the criteria for BPD also meet the criteria for histrionic, narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+borderline+personality+disorder.htm#What_is_borderline_personality_disorder_

Paranoia

Paranoia is a mental state where you are suspicious without reason. You may feel that people are trying to harm you in some way or that something dreadful is about to happen. Everyone can be suspicious at times, or feel fearful about the future, but if you are experiencing paranoia you may lose insight into the fact that perhaps your fears are groundless, and in extreme forms you may be unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Paranoia is a psychiatric condition, which often occurs as a feature of a more serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or manic depression, or as a result of using street drugs.
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/otherconditions/paranoia

Delusional

Delusional disorder, previously called paranoid disorder, is a type of serious mental illness called a "psychosis" in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined.

http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/delusional-disorder

Co-dependency

Many Psychologists argue this dependency is created at infancy, when the child is nourished, encouraged, loved and protected by its mother, and feels panicky and insecure when ignored. So the need to fulfil the mother role goes on into adulthood.

The way I see it is that you want a partner in your life you can rely on. Most of us want a mate and there is nothing wrong in that and we also want someone we can depend upon. However co-dependency is when you believe you cannot survive without your partner.
And you become co-dependent when you become chronically insecure and suffer from low self-esteem and that is the way an abuser makes you feel. When you fight back it becomes a game because you attack the abusers vulnerabilities that they try desperately to cover up, hence co-dependency. Partners of abusers experience denial of the abusive behaviour, similar to denial experienced by addicts and just as life threatening. The abused partner will often remain loyal to the abuser until the denial is broken.
Chemical dependency for both partners is common and often acts as another form of control. Isolation provides an ideal ground for the abuser to encourage chemical dependency, which can lead to addiction.

http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk/shop/product_info.php?cPath=36&products_id=63&osCsid=2fd98f4309fdb40d70283b1ca2b2ee05

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Falling apart is normal, not abnormal.

Early intervention within days after the event, if possible even if it is just to establish contact with the victim.

Psychological help needs to accompany practical help and advocacy (income, recovery of possessions, contact with family and employers, legal aid, housing etc.)
Information for victim (about loved ones, co-victims) and between mental health services, emergency service and military and police needs to be available.

http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk/shop/info_pages.php?pages_id=55?osCsid=2fd98f4309fdb40d70283b1ca2b2ee05

So where are you in the diagnosis chart and how do you seek help. When choosing a counsellor make sure you feel comfortable with them. Keep clearly in mind who you were before the abuse started. In my book Beyond Reproach I offer a self-confidence chart, which allows you to tick a progress scale from week to week. Building your self- confidence may take some time, by filling in this chart you will gradually identify areas you need to work on. And one thing you must remember - you are a special person, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Counselling services for Sussex can be found at http://www.sussex-counselling.co.uk

Janet Stead…….http:/www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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The Crystal Palace, London SE19

2008-03-25T22:57:18+01:00

The Crystal Palace

Built in Hyde Park in 1851 to house the very first International Exhibition. The building was four times as long as St. Paul's Cathedral with a dome 200 feet wide and 150 feet high. After six months the building's, designer Sir Joseph Paxton wanted it to be a permanent feature, and raised the money for it to be dismantled and re-erected at Sydenham at the top of Anerley Hill. It reopened in 1854, it was three times larger and was surrounded by 200 acres of grounds, with an extensive variety of plants, trees, fountains and statues. There were 14,000 exhibitors. 25,000 season tickets were sold. The most popular exhibit was Follett Osler's Crystal fountain, which was made especially for the exhibition. It was 27 feet high and consisted of 4 tons of pure crystal glass.
There were exotic offerings of the East and the mechanical and scientific triumphs of the West. An Hydraulic Press, Nasmyth's famous steam hammer, Bessmer's centrifugal pumps, Brunel's 31-ton broad gauge locomotive and tens of thousands of other articles. Visitors had a splendid view of Kent and Surrey and pondered on the giant dinosaurs that were strategically placed in the grounds. During the first 30 years an average of 2,000,000 people visited the Crystal Palace at Sydenham. There were concerts, music festivals, massed bands, circuses, pantomimes, firework displays. A boating lake.
Royalty loved the place. Queen Victoria and Albert were frequent visitors. Also: Napolean III turned up in 1855, so did the Sultan of Turkey (1867), the Khedive of Egypt (1869), the Shah of Persia (1873), Tsar Alexander II (1874), the Sultan of Zanzibar (1875), the King and Queen of Greece (1876) and the Kaiser himself (1891). In 1859 the first of the Handel festivals was held with a chorus and orchestra of 4,000.
In 1911, although the Palace attracted hundreds of thousands of visitors it did not save the Crystal Palace Company from bankruptcy. The property was sold for £230,000 and was bought by Lord Plymouth who wanted to save it for the people. A Lord Mayor's fund was then set up to raise money to relieve Lord Plymouth of his responsibility and in 1913 the Palace became the property of the Nation. By this time the building was starving of proper care and attention and deteriorated further during the First World War through being used as a naval depot. When in 1920 it was reopened to the public the Palace was near derelict. The trustees set about the task of restoration. Sir Henry Buckland was their choice of Managing Director and a yearly revenue of £80,000 was built up and on this relatively small sum he saved the building, kept it in reasonable condition and built a reserve fund.
November 1936 a small fire broke out in a staff lavatory. Within 1/2 hour the building was a blazing inferno. Strong winds fanned the blaze. From all over London fire brigades arrived, 89 engines and 381 firemen - nearly half of London's total strength. Crowds of sightseers and an army of police. Mounted Police were brought in to force back the crowds so that the fire crews could operate their water pumps. Flames at times reached 300 feet into the air. In 1939 the Second World War started. Brunel's water towers survived into the 1940's. One of the excuses given for their demolition was that they acted as a London landmark for enemy bombers. The gates that now divide Kensington Gardens from Hyde Park on the South Road once stood inside the Crystal Palace. Bromley Council took over the grounds from the GLC in 1986.

Boundaries: Bromley, Croydon, Lambeth, Lewisham, Southwark.

Janet Stead..............http://www.reach-for-the-skies.co.uk

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Smiling

2007-03-15T00:23:17+01:00

Smiling is infectious, you can catch it like the flu. When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I passed around the corner, and someone saw me grin. And when he smiled I realised I'd passed it on to him. I thought about that smile and realised it's worth.
A single smile like mine, could travel around the earth, so if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected. Let's start an epidemic quick and get the world infected.(found in a cafe in Scotland, Author unknown), Henrietta, Sussex, England

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